Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
