Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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