I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
