Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
