remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
