bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
