you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
