I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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