I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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