you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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