ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
