ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
