I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
