All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
