He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
