remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
