hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
