Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
