If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
