i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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