When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
