She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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