Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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