dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
