how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
