Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
