So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
