just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
