I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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