Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
