i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Sober January is a disaster.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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