is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
