I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I need a burrito and a hug.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
