Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
