I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
