I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
