If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
