her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
