I'm really into asian looking animals
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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