I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
