What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
