I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Randomize
