Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
