last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Two words: blizzard sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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