I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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