No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
