I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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