The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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