Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
