It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
